Brain On Fire

Even without allegiance to God,

one relentless conscience stays.

I cannot, still, do some things,

and I, still, am bound by the principles I created,

by the standards I set for myself.

I cannot lie,

I cannot steal,

I cannot cheat,

or take advantage of someone else's 

weakness.......

These personal principles give me a kind,

a sort,

a type,

of confidence, self esteem, a satisfaction, 

a small kind of happiness.

I have left my faith. 

Halfheartedly.

Guilt shrinked me when I 

broke the law of 

guarding my mind against 

the sin which begins in the mind.

The sin which no one sees, my which no one knows......

only you, God, and you.

I turned depressed with the guilt, 

and one slip led to 

a fall to 

a crash to

 an end.

And I stopped trying. To talk. To God.

And it was so good, 

a lease of freedom.

I felt free.

I was never tethered firmly to begin with, no?

To choose. 

To do it and get away because others get away. 

To be in the crowd. 

I could shut that importunate conscience out, I could tell it to go away,

I could kill it without trying.

I did not, though, 

because even without allegiance to God,

I am still bound by the unwritten.

So my brain is on fire.

Amen.